How is it that I fall for people that I can’t have? How is it that I actually found someone that is what I like in a guy and that accepts me bi-polar, legs full of old scars, paranormal loving, random me. He camps, shoots guns, fishes, works hard, has old school gentleman values. After almost three weeks of meeting him we see each other almost every second day. We spend last fri-mon camping together just the two of us for the long weekend. We hit it off the first night we met and it he was only in Canada for 3 days. Yeah, he’s not from here. He’s from Ireland on a work visa. So he’s here for a year and is going back. We had a long talk tonight and he said, if its been like this after only a couple weeks what will it be like in 6 months. And that we are both only going to get hurt. He knows all about S and he most of physical abuse D put me through so he said I don’t deserve to be hurt any more. He said he thinks about me all the time and today he finally said that he thought about it and couldn’t do it any more, but then after work I sent him a text and it changed his mind again. That because when he’s with me he’s happy. What makes it so hard is that when he seen the two big scars on my legs he asked me about them and listened as I told him about what had happened that night. He asked questions and listened with a real compassion. Also he can read me which normally people can’t. That’s probably actually the hardest parts. I’m so good at putting on a mask and 9 out 10 times people are convinced by it, but he sees right through me. Tonight he told me stuff he noticed about me while camping and what he thought was on my mind and he was right, but I thought I hid it well like usual. He can read me like a book and I like it in a way. What is odd is that I’m more afraid of him losing interest in me before he leaves than him leaving. I guess because I don’t want to feel rejected again.

Tonight when I left his house and he walked me to the gate to say goodnight I kind of felt like it was the last time we’d kiss the way we did. He told me maith liom thú’ which is I like you in Gaelic again. I love it when he says that in his Irish accent. We can’t keep going on like this because we will just hurt each other. I feel like I’m being selfish and I should just walk away. He has a life back in Ireland that he has to go back to. I should just let go. Neither of us needs to get hurt more than what we have to and the longer this goes on the more we are just going to get hurt.

Why do I fall for people that it will just never work with?

(Source: askboxmemes)

Things have been a whirlwind lately. So much has been happening. The new job terrifies me and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the changes. My own office, mon-fri, my own caseload…it’s all so new to me. I still miss S from time to time, despite what he put me through, but I’ve been dating. A few dead ends and of course the one that I do have a connection with is only here for a year as he lives in Ireland. We met by chance and he lives two minutes away from me while he’s living here. I just have to try not to give my heart away knowing he’s leaving. Anyway it’s bed time for me. Busy week ahead. Night all.